Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
