I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
