Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
