Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
