he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
