i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
