i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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