Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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