I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
