Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
