My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
