Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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