how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
