just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
