btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
