Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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