Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
