i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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