i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
try to milk me bitch
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize