Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
