i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
