I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize