here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
