Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
