i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
