I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im six kinds of drunk right now
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
When did angry sex become our thing?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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