he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
