I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
