So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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