I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
