she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
