Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
