3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I've blown a few things in my day
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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