I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
