she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
