My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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