What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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