how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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