I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
