I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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