so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
