id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
