What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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