I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
