but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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