she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
