I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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