I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
