Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I currently don't understand fingers.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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