hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
