if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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