wakey wakey hands off snakey
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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