sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
