I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize