The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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