Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
