Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
