I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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