I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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