I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
