Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
