Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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