Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
